'IT WAS ME!’ says Brown
Gordon Brown admitted today that he is the man responsible for the Lockerbie bombing.
Mr Brown made the disclosure after speculation regarding a cover-up over the release of Abdelbaset Ali Mohmed al-Megrahi reached fever pitch. He cleared the air today by giving the full and frank admission that Libya were doing him a favour by taking back Mr Megrahi and remaining silent over the truth.
In a press conference given exclusively to James Murdoch, Mr Brown admitted that he was indirectly responsible for the bombing. He was quick, however, to single out opposition leader David Cameron as the true perpetrator of the crime.
Prime Minister Brown said: “On the evening in question I had been intending to take a flight to New York City for a financial aptitude conference led by a Mr Nick Leeson. At Heathrow airport I was accosted by a drunken mob in top hats and tail coats, who stumbled out of the British Airways First Class Lounge and, sniggering, asked me to hold on to a briefcase. They promptly passed out. Being a prudent man, I took the briefcase with me in case it contained items of value.”
Mr Brown was then called away on urgent business, leaving the luggage to board the flight without him.
The brief case, it turns out, belonged to David Cameron, who had been out on a Bullingdon Club bender in the BA lounge (the only club that would still accept their custom). A spiffingly public school-esque wheeze had then been concocted in which several pounds of highly explosive material would be placed in the suitcase before being forced down Boris Johnsons trousers.
The plan fell flat, however, when it became apparent that Mr Johnson had been ‘debagged’ earlier, in some form of repressed act of homosexuality (later atoned for by most Conservatives in their support of Section 28).
The tragedy that followed was felt the world over. Mr Brown has expressed ‘deep regret at playing political chess with innocent lives’, and has volunteered to serve on the front line in Afghanistan, without helicopter support, until the victims' families feel that he has repented sufficiently.
Blears ‘denies link’ to vandalised car
Hazel Blears today insisted that she has ‘no connection whatsoever’ with the Citroen found vandalised as she canvassed in her Manchester constituency last night.
“The car in question has nothing to do with me”, said the former cabinet minister. “It is in fact owned by my sister’s brother in-law’s best friend’s uncle’s servant’s godfather’s history teacher’s parish councillor’s vicar’s wife. Furthermore, I at no point have claimed a penny towards its purchase, maintenance or upkeep.”
But revelations published in this morning’s Daily Telegraph suggest otherwise. Records show that Miss Blears claimed for a bottle of Turtle Wax car polish in 1998 at a cost of £1.99 to the British taxpayer - the very same bottle of Turtle Wax that Telegraph photographers snapped on the back seat of the Citroen yesterday.
This morning’s edition of the paper went as far as to suggest that the car had a ‘curiously salient sheen’, implying that the wax may have been used on it recently. When pressed for a statement, Miss Blears told us that “There may at some point have been irregularities of accounting during the valeting process of the car, though nothing that was not permitted under parliamentary rules at the time”.
But the motorbike-mad midget could be in yet more hot water as it was revealed that she had been accused of ‘flipping’ her tax discs between the vandalised Citroen and three other cars registered in her name. It is yet to be decided if the cars in question – a Mercedes Smart, a Nissan Micra, and a car formerly registered to a Mr Noddy of Toyland – will be impounded.
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